If you are expecting a post about New Years Resolutions and starting a new year and turning over a leaf....well, fugettaboutit.
I am starting off this new year with a total lack of motivation. As if that wasn't obvious from the brilliance and volume of my posts. This wasn't my first choice for how I wanted to start the year, but there you are. I just cannot seem to get excited about anything. I was in a bit of a funk before Christmas, and now, after New Years...I still got it. I'm tired, and what's usually important is what I am tired off, but right now, I am tired of...everything.
So, here's to the New Year.....whoopie....
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I'm Back
I have been keeping a journal since 1975. I have about a dozen journals filled with my writing up until 1996. That is when I first got a computer and started keeping my journal there. Though, to be honest, I have several bound journals that I started since then.
I have written thousands of pages that no one will ever read. I doubt that even my son will ever care to read all those words and why would anyone else want to. The chances that I will ever do anything to make future generations remember my name are slim to none.
That last sentence caused an epiphany of sorts.
“The chances that I will ever do anything to make future generations remember my name are slim to none.”
Is this the answer to my depression? I often feel that my life lacks meaning as much as it lacks purpose. Is part of the problem that I feel like my life doesn’t make a difference? That no one will remember me when I am gone? I certainly have reached the age where people start to consider their legacy. Is my problem that I don’t feel like I have one?
The more I sit here thinking about it, the more I think it might be.
Now, I add this blog to that body of work, and still I wonder if anyone will want to read it. Of course, with this blog I add the worry about whether or not anyone will want to read it now.
But, if I have any loyal readers, do not despair. I am not giving up on this blog anymore than I am giving up on my journal. So, I am back, and once again, I hope to post here a bit more often. Let me know if you ever read this.
I have written thousands of pages that no one will ever read. I doubt that even my son will ever care to read all those words and why would anyone else want to. The chances that I will ever do anything to make future generations remember my name are slim to none.
That last sentence caused an epiphany of sorts.
“The chances that I will ever do anything to make future generations remember my name are slim to none.”
Is this the answer to my depression? I often feel that my life lacks meaning as much as it lacks purpose. Is part of the problem that I feel like my life doesn’t make a difference? That no one will remember me when I am gone? I certainly have reached the age where people start to consider their legacy. Is my problem that I don’t feel like I have one?
The more I sit here thinking about it, the more I think it might be.
Now, I add this blog to that body of work, and still I wonder if anyone will want to read it. Of course, with this blog I add the worry about whether or not anyone will want to read it now.
But, if I have any loyal readers, do not despair. I am not giving up on this blog anymore than I am giving up on my journal. So, I am back, and once again, I hope to post here a bit more often. Let me know if you ever read this.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Bored
I went through a long period of depression, and whereas I am no longer as depressed, I am still just as bored.
I have been trying to find something to catch my interest, and in fact I did get back to doing more reading, as you can see by the several books added to my was-reading list. Unfortunately, anytime I find a really good book I feel a let down when I finish it. The most recent three on my list have been that good, and I have not gotten into The Gunslinger enough for it to truly capture my attention.
I have been playing Oblivion more lately, but even that is not working all that well anymore. I reached level 32, which is high enough that most things are easy. Oblivion scales very well, but there is a limit to everything. I played Morrowind (the predecessor to Oblivion) all the way to level 80 but I do not think I will be able to play Oblivion that long.
I have been wanting to do more writing, but my personal inertia seems to great to overcome. This blog is an attempt to get that going again. I am thinking that if I can write in my blog it may help me to get writing in other areas as well.
So, here's to hoping, and see you again soon.
I hope.
I have been trying to find something to catch my interest, and in fact I did get back to doing more reading, as you can see by the several books added to my was-reading list. Unfortunately, anytime I find a really good book I feel a let down when I finish it. The most recent three on my list have been that good, and I have not gotten into The Gunslinger enough for it to truly capture my attention.
I have been playing Oblivion more lately, but even that is not working all that well anymore. I reached level 32, which is high enough that most things are easy. Oblivion scales very well, but there is a limit to everything. I played Morrowind (the predecessor to Oblivion) all the way to level 80 but I do not think I will be able to play Oblivion that long.
I have been wanting to do more writing, but my personal inertia seems to great to overcome. This blog is an attempt to get that going again. I am thinking that if I can write in my blog it may help me to get writing in other areas as well.
So, here's to hoping, and see you again soon.
I hope.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Changes
Well, I have not posted in a bit, because I had a bit of a problem, which was then compounded by another. The second problem has caused me to rethink a number of things, and face some changes.
I am diabetic.
I discovered this in the aftermath of a lesion that had to be lanced. They tested my blood sugar and it was 455. Now, that may not mean much to some of you, but those who know anything about diabetes will be rather alarmed. As I understand it, normal is somewhere below 100. That day, I was given insulin. Since them I am on medication, and for the last four days, my number has been below 200. Understand, that this is all very recent, and so I have less than a week of numbers to go by.
So, the first change has been Cokes. Yes, I was a coke-aholic. I used to drink 2 liter bottles in 8 hours. My daily intake was huge, and that has stopped completely. That has been a big change for me.
Second, no sweets. I love chocolate, and candy of many sorts, and that must go too. Now, I will admit that I have cheated a little bit on this one, a few candied nuts, a single skittle, and a dark chocolate pastille. If I can find dark chocolate that is not too bitter, then I may be able to give in to this temptation on occasion, but only in small doses.
It has been a depressing time, and it is not going to get better soon. Most of my comfort foods are now denied me. I used to eat, and drink, when depressed. Now I have to find something else.
Well, I thought I would have more to say, but I think it has petered out at this point.
I am diabetic.
I discovered this in the aftermath of a lesion that had to be lanced. They tested my blood sugar and it was 455. Now, that may not mean much to some of you, but those who know anything about diabetes will be rather alarmed. As I understand it, normal is somewhere below 100. That day, I was given insulin. Since them I am on medication, and for the last four days, my number has been below 200. Understand, that this is all very recent, and so I have less than a week of numbers to go by.
So, the first change has been Cokes. Yes, I was a coke-aholic. I used to drink 2 liter bottles in 8 hours. My daily intake was huge, and that has stopped completely. That has been a big change for me.
Second, no sweets. I love chocolate, and candy of many sorts, and that must go too. Now, I will admit that I have cheated a little bit on this one, a few candied nuts, a single skittle, and a dark chocolate pastille. If I can find dark chocolate that is not too bitter, then I may be able to give in to this temptation on occasion, but only in small doses.
It has been a depressing time, and it is not going to get better soon. Most of my comfort foods are now denied me. I used to eat, and drink, when depressed. Now I have to find something else.
Well, I thought I would have more to say, but I think it has petered out at this point.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Not Looking Forward to Anything
I do not look forward to anything.
I find that I have to expand on that to understand it myself. I do not mean that I do not have anything to look forward to. I mean that I do not anticipate. I mean the little things. I do not look forward to going home at the end of the day.
Now, before my wife explodes, this is not about her, or our son, or anything in particular. I just don't look forward to it. It is just the next thing in my day.
I don't look forward to the weekend. I am relieved when it arrives. I don't like going to work, so I definitely don't look forward to that, but there is nothing wrong with work. There is nothing really wrong with anything. I just don't look forward to anything.
I know how I feel, but I wish I could explain it better.
I find that I have to expand on that to understand it myself. I do not mean that I do not have anything to look forward to. I mean that I do not anticipate. I mean the little things. I do not look forward to going home at the end of the day.
Now, before my wife explodes, this is not about her, or our son, or anything in particular. I just don't look forward to it. It is just the next thing in my day.
I don't look forward to the weekend. I am relieved when it arrives. I don't like going to work, so I definitely don't look forward to that, but there is nothing wrong with work. There is nothing really wrong with anything. I just don't look forward to anything.
I know how I feel, but I wish I could explain it better.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Happiness
Today, it occurred to me that I am unhappy. Now, this was not a revelation. I know that I am unhappy. The revelation, such as it was, was in thinking about the fact that I have been unhappy for a long time. Possibly a decade or more.
I agree with the general sentiment that happiness is not a destination, not a location. Happiness is what you feel as you journey through life. You get happiness as a by product of pursuing your goals, and working through life.
Now, this brings up a definite problem. I have not had a real goal in about 10 years. I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism in 1984. Not long after that, I developed the desire to be a knight. Yes, they have knights there. I chased that goal for 10 years, often through a maze of conflicting expectations for what it means to be a knight. Eventually I recieved the honor of knighthood, and when they put the belt around my waist, and the chain around my neck, they took away the last goal I had.
I never recovered.
I had another goal, long ago when I started, but that goal got squashed long before I got knighted.
So, I have muddled through the last dozen years of my life without a real goal. The bus is still underway, but it has no destination, and because of that, the driver is not happy.
Now, I am sure that one of you my loyal (heh, one day maybe) readers will tell me something like,
"Well, just find another goal, and get moving towards it."
There in lies my problem. I have been searching for that goal for a dozen years, and I still have not found an all consuming goal, something to give my life a purpose, something beyond just getting through each boring day.
I am still looking.
I agree with the general sentiment that happiness is not a destination, not a location. Happiness is what you feel as you journey through life. You get happiness as a by product of pursuing your goals, and working through life.
Now, this brings up a definite problem. I have not had a real goal in about 10 years. I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism in 1984. Not long after that, I developed the desire to be a knight. Yes, they have knights there. I chased that goal for 10 years, often through a maze of conflicting expectations for what it means to be a knight. Eventually I recieved the honor of knighthood, and when they put the belt around my waist, and the chain around my neck, they took away the last goal I had.
I never recovered.
I had another goal, long ago when I started, but that goal got squashed long before I got knighted.
So, I have muddled through the last dozen years of my life without a real goal. The bus is still underway, but it has no destination, and because of that, the driver is not happy.
Now, I am sure that one of you my loyal (heh, one day maybe) readers will tell me something like,
"Well, just find another goal, and get moving towards it."
There in lies my problem. I have been searching for that goal for a dozen years, and I still have not found an all consuming goal, something to give my life a purpose, something beyond just getting through each boring day.
I am still looking.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Funk
No, it's not what you think. Or maybe it is. Who am I to say? I don't even know you.
A few weeks ago my wife bought a new van (well, nearly new), her fourth (nearly) new car in a row. Me? I drive a POS, my fourth POS in a row. Well, that is not totally true. Two cars back I had a pretty nice 6 year old minivan, until someone t-boned it, and then another, which wasn't too bad, but there was never any money for repairs or maintenance, and it wound its way down to POS status.
Now, I am sure you find that fascinating, but it is not what I am here to write about.
But, it is...possibly...the biggest contributor to the present funk. I am 50, and I just started a new job. The job is boring, and uses about 5% of my brain cells, but it does have one all important feature.
A paycheck.
So, I have a job that takes up 10 hours of my day (or more, with commute), a paycheck and a funk so large that it could depress the city of Des Moines (no Des Moines jokes here). What I do not seem to have is anything that really relieves the boredom of my life. I haven't wanted to do much of anything for the last week or so, and the reason why I am able to write this is because the funk seems to have lessened a bit today.
I can define possible causes for the funk, but I just don't feel like they really explain it, except possibly when taken altogether. And, it's not like there are no good things, but, then again, they aren't very good. Some of the bad things are fairly bad, but nothing my wife and I have not been through before. We will make it through this too.
No, I think that the true cause of the funk is the sameness of everything. I feel like I am living my life in black and white. And, not the cool black and white of an old film noir, but just a general lack of color, a world with nothing but shades of gray that seem to blend into each other, with nothing to stand out, nothing to appease the eye, or engage the mind.
Dull
Boring
Funk
It will get better, it always does, though it never gets very good, and I guess that is another problem too. It seems a rather dark oppressive grey that hides colors, rather then a light grey that would help the colors stand out.
Sorry about a depressing essay, but that is how I feel.
Disclaimer: No one from Des Moines was harmed during the writing of this blog.
A few weeks ago my wife bought a new van (well, nearly new), her fourth (nearly) new car in a row. Me? I drive a POS, my fourth POS in a row. Well, that is not totally true. Two cars back I had a pretty nice 6 year old minivan, until someone t-boned it, and then another, which wasn't too bad, but there was never any money for repairs or maintenance, and it wound its way down to POS status.
Now, I am sure you find that fascinating, but it is not what I am here to write about.
But, it is...possibly...the biggest contributor to the present funk. I am 50, and I just started a new job. The job is boring, and uses about 5% of my brain cells, but it does have one all important feature.
A paycheck.
So, I have a job that takes up 10 hours of my day (or more, with commute), a paycheck and a funk so large that it could depress the city of Des Moines (no Des Moines jokes here). What I do not seem to have is anything that really relieves the boredom of my life. I haven't wanted to do much of anything for the last week or so, and the reason why I am able to write this is because the funk seems to have lessened a bit today.
I can define possible causes for the funk, but I just don't feel like they really explain it, except possibly when taken altogether. And, it's not like there are no good things, but, then again, they aren't very good. Some of the bad things are fairly bad, but nothing my wife and I have not been through before. We will make it through this too.
No, I think that the true cause of the funk is the sameness of everything. I feel like I am living my life in black and white. And, not the cool black and white of an old film noir, but just a general lack of color, a world with nothing but shades of gray that seem to blend into each other, with nothing to stand out, nothing to appease the eye, or engage the mind.
Dull
Boring
Funk
It will get better, it always does, though it never gets very good, and I guess that is another problem too. It seems a rather dark oppressive grey that hides colors, rather then a light grey that would help the colors stand out.
Sorry about a depressing essay, but that is how I feel.
Disclaimer: No one from Des Moines was harmed during the writing of this blog.
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