Happiness

Today, it occurred to me that I am unhappy. Now, this was not a revelation. I know that I am unhappy. The revelation, such as it was, was in thinking about the fact that I have been unhappy for a long time. Possibly a decade or more.

I agree with the general sentiment that happiness is not a destination, not a location. Happiness is what you feel as you journey through life. You get happiness as a by product of pursuing your goals, and working through life.

Now, this brings up a definite problem. I have not had a real goal in about 10 years. I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism in 1984. Not long after that, I developed the desire to be a knight. Yes, they have knights there. I chased that goal for 10 years, often through a maze of conflicting expectations for what it means to be a knight. Eventually I recieved the honor of knighthood, and when they put the belt around my waist, and the chain around my neck, they took away the last goal I had.

I never recovered.

I had another goal, long ago when I started, but that goal got squashed long before I got knighted.

So, I have muddled through the last dozen years of my life without a real goal. The bus is still underway, but it has no destination, and because of that, the driver is not happy.

Now, I am sure that one of you my loyal (heh, one day maybe) readers will tell me something like,

"Well, just find another goal, and get moving towards it."

There in lies my problem. I have been searching for that goal for a dozen years, and I still have not found an all consuming goal, something to give my life a purpose, something beyond just getting through each boring day.

I am still looking.

Funk

No, it's not what you think. Or maybe it is. Who am I to say? I don't even know you.

A few weeks ago my wife bought a new van (well, nearly new), her fourth (nearly) new car in a row. Me? I drive a POS, my fourth POS in a row. Well, that is not totally true. Two cars back I had a pretty nice 6 year old minivan, until someone t-boned it, and then another, which wasn't too bad, but there was never any money for repairs or maintenance, and it wound its way down to POS status.

Now, I am sure you find that fascinating, but it is not what I am here to write about.

But, it is...possibly...the biggest contributor to the present funk. I am 50, and I just started a new job. The job is boring, and uses about 5% of my brain cells, but it does have one all important feature.

A paycheck.

So, I have a job that takes up 10 hours of my day (or more, with commute), a paycheck and a funk so large that it could depress the city of Des Moines (no Des Moines jokes here). What I do not seem to have is anything that really relieves the boredom of my life. I haven't wanted to do much of anything for the last week or so, and the reason why I am able to write this is because the funk seems to have lessened a bit today.

I can define possible causes for the funk, but I just don't feel like they really explain it, except possibly when taken altogether. And, it's not like there are no good things, but, then again, they aren't very good. Some of the bad things are fairly bad, but nothing my wife and I have not been through before. We will make it through this too.

No, I think that the true cause of the funk is the sameness of everything. I feel like I am living my life in black and white. And, not the cool black and white of an old film noir, but just a general lack of color, a world with nothing but shades of gray that seem to blend into each other, with nothing to stand out, nothing to appease the eye, or engage the mind.

Dull

Boring

Funk

It will get better, it always does, though it never gets very good, and I guess that is another problem too. It seems a rather dark oppressive grey that hides colors, rather then a light grey that would help the colors stand out.

Sorry about a depressing essay, but that is how I feel.

Disclaimer: No one from Des Moines was harmed during the writing of this blog.