Happiness

Today, it occurred to me that I am unhappy. Now, this was not a revelation. I know that I am unhappy. The revelation, such as it was, was in thinking about the fact that I have been unhappy for a long time. Possibly a decade or more.

I agree with the general sentiment that happiness is not a destination, not a location. Happiness is what you feel as you journey through life. You get happiness as a by product of pursuing your goals, and working through life.

Now, this brings up a definite problem. I have not had a real goal in about 10 years. I joined the Society for Creative Anachronism in 1984. Not long after that, I developed the desire to be a knight. Yes, they have knights there. I chased that goal for 10 years, often through a maze of conflicting expectations for what it means to be a knight. Eventually I recieved the honor of knighthood, and when they put the belt around my waist, and the chain around my neck, they took away the last goal I had.

I never recovered.

I had another goal, long ago when I started, but that goal got squashed long before I got knighted.

So, I have muddled through the last dozen years of my life without a real goal. The bus is still underway, but it has no destination, and because of that, the driver is not happy.

Now, I am sure that one of you my loyal (heh, one day maybe) readers will tell me something like,

"Well, just find another goal, and get moving towards it."

There in lies my problem. I have been searching for that goal for a dozen years, and I still have not found an all consuming goal, something to give my life a purpose, something beyond just getting through each boring day.

I am still looking.